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 TCW's Kayleigh Roberts explains how to use words as a weapon your "victims" can't defend against.
My freshman year of college, I lost quite a bit of weight. Which, you know, is okay and everything. Clothes fit me a little nicer, my jaw line is more defined and I no longer have to go through the pain of searching for an actually cute tankini. On the other hand, my boobs shrunk from full C’s to barely B’s, I used to have a sex tape-worthy ass, and I had to endure listening to everyone I ever knew back home comment, “Wow, you’re so skinny now.”
“Thanks, I wasn’t aware I rivaled Jabba the Hut before, but apparently I had a severely skewed body image. Thanks so much for the compliment.”
Backhanded compliments are just about the worst thing you could ever encounter. There is no real, great comeback to the backhanded compliment. On the other hand, if mastered and used to your advantage, it can be a vital verbal weapon against your enemies.
One of the best people to wield the backhanded compliment on is, of course, the frenemy. The best bitch slap compliments for this person will attack looks and basic aspects of personality.
For example, if your frenemy is of the bitchy female variety, a compliment of her new outfit or haircut can be twisted to insult her in some way. For example: “Oh, wow, that empire waist top looks great on you…it really flatters your figure. I’m glad you’re not one of those girls who wears tight clothes that make them look pregnant.” Or “Bangs are a great look for you-they really cover up your horsey forehead.”
A backhanded compliment can also be used on a boss or professor, but for a different purpose: to get your way. In this usage, the backhanded compliment serves as a mechanism for manipulation.
For example: “Hey, Mr. Lumberg, Milton said you wanted me to sort all the TPS Reports, but Michael’s already on that and he’s got a system really down and I told Milton you’re a much too effective leader to waste two men on a one man job, but I figured I should come check anyway.” Now your boss has two options: Let you not do the meaningless busy work, or admit he’s ineffective to an employee. Some will be a dick and make you do it, but many will be flustered and let you walk away.
Watch out though, because employers, professors, TAs, and other figures of even marginal authority can use the same backhanded manipulation against you.
For example: “Hey Laura, I know most of the students in section aren’t really into this Shakespeare stuff and they don’t seem to be grasping it. Since you have such a grasp on it, do you think you could go up and recite that soliloquy we just read? Act it out, get into it. I wouldn’t ask if you weren’t the best student. I’ll remember this when I grade the final.”
It’s instinct to try to counter these remarks, but only the quickest of wits will be able to. If you need to get out of a superiors use of backhanded manipulation and aren’t able to think quickly enough on your feet to talk your way out of it, try rolling your eyes into the back of your head and “fainting” It Takes Two style. Sure, you’ll be rushed to a hospital or student health center and told nothing is wrong, but the humiliation at the medical facility could just be the only way out.
Becoming a master of words and the manipulation thereof is one of the most useful skills you can acquire. So practice now. Go out, be a bitch/asshole to that girl you hate or that guy who never called (“God, I’m so glad you didn’t call me back! I was going to sleep with you and since everyone knows you have herpes that would have been a mistake. Thanks for looking out!”).
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